They are just walking.

It happens on a Thursday afternoon. As soon as my brain processes what my eyes see, I can feel it. It’s right there, deep in my gut: jealousy.

The speed of the train can’t have allowed me to have watched them for more than five seconds, but it feels like it was minutes.

They are just walking.

That’s all. A stroll through the city. Nothing special about it.

Except, that’s not true.

To me, it’s utterly special. To me, it’s familiar. To me, it shred my heart in two.

A mother and her two daughters, at least that’s what I assume. The youngest is walking right next to her mom who is pushing the wheelchair. The girl in the chair is wearing a purple coat, her hair is in a ponytail and she doesn’t look particularly happy, but she also doesn’t look like she isn’t enjoying it.

They are just walking.

As the train moves past them the jealousy grows stronger and stronger. I scare myself when I think, “Just you wait.” I don’t ever want them to wait for that moment. It’s horrible, heart breaking and just wrong. So, so wrong.

It will be two years on Valentine’s Day 2018. I think about it too much.

The thing is…I would give anything for someone to see me with him and think, “They are just walking.”

It happens again on a different day. A little boy is standing on a sidewalk and his mom calls for him. The hairs in the back of my neck stand up straight. He has the same name as my brother. They don’t share the same disability though. I would guess his is severe autism.

I hate that it brings tears to my eyes. I hate that some days I will go over every detail during those last few days, too scared that I will forget even one moment.

I hate that no one talks to me about it. I know it happens to other people to. I’m no better. But with this, I want allow myself to feel selfish. I want to allow myself to be mad at people, but it’s just wasted energy.

I miss him. Sometimes missing him feels like wasted energy as well. It won’t bring him back. Going through hundreds of pictures and videos won’t bring him back, but for a moment they bring me to him.

For now that’s good enough.

Still…

They were just walking.

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